Saturday, December 22, 2012

Winter Song.

January 17th 2012. Olivia's due date. Why do doctors even give you a due date? To make you nutso, that's why. We spend our entire pregnancy looking at that circled date on our calendar thinking that's the EXACT day we should expect a baby in our arms and when it doesn't happen that way we rely on Google to give us 674 ways to induce labor. I drank raspberry tea until my eyes turned red, all while WALKING 5 miles to the nearest Mexican restaurant. Aside from being sure that Miss O was a boy, I was also sure that she was going to be early. Like before Christmas, early. Why I thought this I'm not sure. My doctor appointments would last no more then 3 minutes because there never was any progress, and they never even mentioned feeling a head. But still, she was coming early. *For those of you who have missed it, she is a GIRL and was born on January 26th.

Towards the end of your pregnancy they stress the importance of feeling the baby move. This is something else to get ya all jazzed up about (like worrying about an 11th toe isn't enough). Is she moving? Did she move at all today? What's going on? We live in constant fear as pregnant women, and it's a fear that never goes away. We worry about our kids until we're dead. Our motherly instinct kicks in as soon as those two lines turn pink. However, when my two lines turned pink I went to go "run it off." Motherly instincts can wait. There were some days that Olivia wouldn't move very much. BW would often ask throughout the day if she was moving, and if I could feel her. Sometimes I'd lie and say I did, when in fact I hadn't felt a single thing in hours. Other times I'd tell him there were no movements and we'd scurry into the bedroom where I'd lie down as still as I could and wait. BW would sometimes sing to her, we'd play her music, or I'd bang on my stomach (yes, you read that right). Then being the diva that she is was, she'd kick...I'm pretty sure she was telling BW to cut the crap, he's no Michael Buble.

When Winter came around I obsessively asked BW to play Christmas music. Miss O loved Christmas music. This soon became my 'go-to' tactic to get her moving. She'd be dancing, and singing all day and night. I knew that the following Christmas Olivia and I would be missing something.Things were going to be hard. They were going to be different. Olivia wouldn't really know any different, but I would. While listening to our music one morning, we found something special; something that was ours. Her and I listened to it a lot. The words weighed heavy on my heart. We listened to it while he was at work. We listened to it while we laid in bed. We listened to it while he was away.Winter Song by Ingrid Michaelson. I cried....and she danced.

BW and I had Olivia's middle name picked out just as soon as we agreed on her first name. We wanted to take the traditional route and give her a family name. But unexpectedly came the days and nights of dancing and singing; and it felt right.These moments warmed my heart. They made me feel as though we would be okay. She was telling me that the next Christmas, when Daddy is gone, that we'd be singing and dancing too. I decided on one of those nights that her name would be Olivia Winter. Want to know the part that still, now, brings me to tears? He never questioned it. Never wanted to know the reason. Never asked which ridiculous gossip magazine I was reading. I think the certainty behind my decision said enough.

I started looking at the holidays a little differently this year. Each holiday we made it through, survived, crossed off the calendar, was one step closer. When we celebrated last year I took in each moment, devoured into each memory, and held my breath hoping we'd celebrate many more. I hate to wish for time to fly as Olivia celebrates her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. Nobody WISHES their baby's first birthday to come faster then it should, but I do. This crazy thinking is the only thing pushing me forward. I promise to Olivia that we will make each and every holiday magical for her. This year we just have a little part of US that's missing.

When this deployment started, I told myself, "I just have to make it through the holidays. Then it will all be a DOWNHILL slope." Christmas is 3 days away. I'll go dust off my sled.