I'm going to be completely honest here, this is the last thing I want to be doing. I can think of 100 other things I should be doing then writing this blog, like mopping floors, doing laundry, or washing dishes. I feel like I owe it to ya'll, I owe you guys an 'ending.' This is the exact reason I could never be a "blogger." I am a devoted blog follower and I see what people sacrifice, the commitment they give, and the realness they present. I can't do that. That's not me. I was so overwhelmed through this blogging process by the kind words, the private messages, and the inspiration I received to keep writing. Old friends reached out to me to send their virtual hugs, people I've never spoken a word to told me that I made them feel 'real', complete strangers told me I inspired them to be more honest with themselves as mothers, people have told me they wish for the love BW and I have, people have started telling their own story because of my decision to tell mine. I did not expect this at all. I will never write a book, it is too raw. There is too much at stake and I'm not willing to share it all. I am so thankful for everyone that followed me on this journey. I, without a doubt, could not have done it without the motivation to keep writing, to keep telling, and to keep sharing.
As I prepare to spend my last night alone on the last night of this deployment I feel an overwhelming surge of emotions. When BW first left for this deployment I was terrified. People often tell me how strong I am. If you followed me around for a day...for a week...or just a few hours you might have changed your mind. I cried alot. I had moments when I would breakdown. Every day that went by that I didn't hear from him I thought he was dead. The reality of war was never lost. I laid on O's nursery floor and sobbed, I was angry that I was alone. I cursed his name when I had to get my oil changed on a Saturday with a toddler. I wasn't strong. I survived and that's all I knew how to do. It's hard to take credit for just being a Mom and a Wife. That's all I was doing.
We've been apart for 287 days and I know this isn't the last time.My bed will always be empty one weekend a month and two weeks a year. I am an Army wife. You know what will be harder then being apart for 287 days? The 289th day... and the 290th day. We have a long, unknown road ahead of us. He is not the same man that left for Texas last August, and I'm not the same woman. We've lived our lives separately for a year and have to learn again how to live it together. It will take time and it will take work. We've got this.
Tomorrow is going to be an incredible day. My heart explodes for Olivia. She has no idea how her life is about to change. She is completely unaware of the amount of love that is about to enter her world. She is about to meet her Daddy for the second time.
Throughout this deployment I spent a lot of time in the car. Between our 12 hour trips to Florida, my 45 minute drive each way to work, Olivia and I spent a lot of time driving. This is where I did most of my crying. Maybe it was the open road, maybe it was the songs on the radio, and maybe it was that my back was to O and she couldn't see me cry. Whatever the reason, the car is where my tears fell the most. Tomorrow I will put Miss O in the car, settle myself in the front, turn on the radio and drive. We will have a 30 minute drive to pick up our soldier. Thirty minutes to cry, and thirty minutes to laugh and sing. The difference? This time I cry because the weight of the world is off of my shoulders and my heart is full. We are together again.
....forever and a day.